True intimacy begins within. While we often think of intimacy as something experienced in relationships with others, the deepest connection we can foster is with ourselves. This connection is about understanding our emotions and triggers, which, when fully embraced, lead to self-love and empowerment. Importantly, triggers are not signs of imperfection or darkness, but loyal protectors that seek to shield us based on past experiences. By recognizing and honoring them, we can shift from a reactive state to one of profound self-awareness and unconditional love.
The Truth of Our Perfection
We are all inherently perfect. However, our past experiences, conditioned beliefs, and protective triggers can create a sense of imperfection. These beliefs, which manifest in the form of emotional triggers, often arise when we feel threatened or vulnerable. But it’s important to understand that triggers are not a darker side of us. They are simply our most loyal protectors, trying to safeguard us based on old wounds or past conditions.
By working with these protective mechanisms and honoring the emotions that come with them, we update our subconscious to align with our current reality, reminding ourselves that we are safe and whole.
The Nature of Triggers: Beyond Our Control
It’s important to acknowledge that we all have triggers prior to entering any intimate relationship, and none of us have direct control over them because they reside in the subconscious. Triggers arise automatically, often catching us off guard, and it is through these emotional responses that we may unintentionally sabotage relationships.
When a trigger is activated, it’s not a conscious choice. It’s a protective mechanism based on past conditioning. This means that the emotions and reactions we experience, while powerful, are not something we intentionally control. Understanding this helps us to stop blaming ourselves (or others) for being triggered. It also highlights the importance of self-compassion—because when we fully embrace our emotions, we can begin to honor the triggers that arise in ourselves and others.
Embracing Triggers for Healing: Individual and Mutual
Healing begins when we learn to fully embrace and honor our own emotions and triggers. By honoring them without judgment, we develop a deeper understanding of our protective mechanisms, allowing them to transform. This shift invites us into a space of unconditional self-love. And when we do this for ourselves, it becomes easier to do it for others.
In intimate relationships, once we’ve embraced our own emotions and triggers, we naturally begin to embrace those of our partner. This is where the dynamic of true intimacy deepens—when both people in the relationship are honoring their own triggers and embracing the other's. In this space, nothing becomes personal—words and behaviors are no longer seen as attacks but as expressions of each person’s emotional landscape. This creates a safe environment for healing and growth, where love is the primary force.
In this state of mutual understanding, we step out of the instability of being “a candle in the wind,” easily swayed by triggers or reactions, and transform into lighthouses—steadfast, grounded, and able to maintain a deep connection to ourselves and others, no matter the emotional storm around us.
Adjusting Triggers for Safety: Healing Trauma and PTSD
In some cases, particularly with trauma or PTSD, certain triggers may still be needed as part of our protective mechanism. Hypervigilance may be necessary in unsafe environments, but the key is learning to adjust the intensity and duration of these triggers. For instance, being on high alert in potentially dangerous situations is helpful, but staying in a hypervigilant state at home, where we are safe, becomes harmful.
Healing from trauma involves transforming these protective triggers to adjust based on the environment, so that they are activated when necessary but softened or relaxed when safety is assured. This is a crucial aspect of trauma healing—learning to recognize safe environments and allow the body and mind to relax accordingly.
Triggers as Loyal Protectors: A Shift in Perspective
Triggers are not evidence of failure, flaws, or darkness within us. Rather, they are our most loyal protectors, mechanisms that have kept us safe based on our past experiences. Over time, these triggers may no longer serve us in the same way, but they continue to operate until we consciously engage with them.
When we lovingly inform these protectors of our current reality, they can begin to adjust and align with our present needs. Instead of seeing triggers as something to overcome, we learn to work with them, showing them that we no longer need the same level of protection in every situation. This shift is the essence of self-love—recognizing that these protectors are part of us and allowing them to evolve along with our growth.
Unconditional Love: From Protection to Empowerment
Much of our protective triggers stem from our experiences with conditional love. These experiences create a belief that love must be earned by meeting certain conditions, leading to the need for protection even from those we love most. We shield ourselves from potential rejection or pain by developing triggers that warn us to hold back or stay guarded.
However, by embracing the emotions that arise from these triggers and honoring them, we dismantle the belief in conditional love. We shift into a state of unconditional self-love, where we are able to embrace ourselves—and others—without needing to protect or prove anything. In this space, intimacy becomes about sharing our wholeness, rather than guarding against potential harm.
The Power of Unbiased Understanding: From Chaos to Clarity
One of the most powerful steps in transforming triggers is learning to engage with them through unbiased understanding. This means allowing ourselves to fully experience the emotions triggered without labeling them as "bad" or "wrong." By reporting these emotions honestly to ourselves and observing them without judgment, we cultivate a deeper sense of compassion.
In this space of non-judgment, we reclaim our power. No longer do we feel like a candle in the wind, swayed by every emotional wave. Instead, we stand strong like a lighthouse, able to weather the storm of emotions while remaining grounded in love—both for ourselves and others. Our triggers no longer control us; instead, they become opportunities for growth and deeper intimacy.
The Journey of Intimacy: Becoming a Lighthouse
As we navigate the journey of intimacy with ourselves, it’s important to remember that we cannot control our triggers, but we can embrace and honor the emotions they bring. By doing so, we create space for healing and transformation, for ourselves and for those we love.
When both partners in a relationship honor their own emotions and embrace each other’s triggers, nothing is taken personally. Words and behaviors lose their sting because we recognize the emotional landscape from which they arise. This is true intimacy—loving through the storms and maintaining connection, even when faced with challenges.
This journey allows us to step into our full power, moving from a place of reactivity to one of steady, unwavering presence. Like a lighthouse, we shine brightly, grounded in self-love, and able to offer safe harbor to ourselves and those we love, no matter what emotions arise.
By honoring and embracing triggers, we transform them from unconscious reactions into powerful guides. How do you embrace and honor your emotions and triggers? Share your insights in the comments below!
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